How to support your loved one through their gender identity journey

Do you have a child or family member who’s questioning their gender or exploring gender-affirming care? You may have a lot of questions, and that’s okay. If you’re wondering what you can do, there are ways you can be there to support them through this journey.

“The best thing a family member can do when a [loved one] talks about their gender exploration is to approach it with genuine curiosity,” says Cam Van Fossen, founder and principal of Deeper Impact Consulting. “Reserve judgment. Let them lead in determining the depth and emotional safety of the conversation.”

The first step is taking the time to understand what your family member is going through. Read on for answers to common questions about gender dysphoria, gender transition and gender-affirming care.

Being transgender means a person’s gender identity is different than their sex at birth.¹ For example, their birth certificate might say “male,” but your child or family member may identify as a woman and feel that their body doesn’t match the way they see themselves. For example, a transgender man is someone who lives as a man today, but was born female.

Some transgender people may not identify exclusively as a man or woman. Instead, they might describe themselves as nonbinary. This means that someone is both a man and a woman, somewhere in between or neither.¹

This is when a person may experience emotional pain, anxiety and negative feelings about their gender defined at birth and their gender identity. These feelings could come up at any stage of life — or not at all.²

For adolescents and adults, the American Psychiatric Association published guidelines to diagnose gender dysphoria to help people get the care they need. A diagnosis includes those who experience differences between their gender assigned at birth and their gender identity for at least 6 months, and show at least two of the following:²

• Differences between gender identity and primary (reproductive organs present at birth) and/or secondary sex characteristics which develop during puberty
• A desire to remove primary characteristics or stop the development of secondary characteristics
• A strong desire to participate in the activities and roles typically associated with the other gender
• A strong desire to be, or treated as, the other gender

This is when a person starts living in a way that aligns with their gender identity. It looks different for everyone. Gender transition may include:³

• Changing their name
• Revising their gender on documents, like a driver’s license or passport
• Using different pronouns
• Exploring non-medical physical changes, like chest binding
• Dressing differently
• Receiving hormone therapy, like estrogen or testosterone
• Having surgery to help make their physical appearance match their gender identity

Your love and support are important to your child, family member or loved one through their gender identity journey. Here are some ways to offer support:

“Talk with your loved one about their vision for their future self and what that might involve. This process can look very different for each family,” says Van Fossen. It’s normal to have questions and concerns. Keeping the conversation open and honest can go a long way.

For parents and other family members of transgender people, education is important. “Get connected with some of the transgender parent or caregiver resources that are out there,” advises Van Fossen. “Become a little more knowledgeable about the topic of transgender identity. Find out how your [loved one] — at their stage of life — might be experiencing their gender.” Try resources like:

• The Trevor Project
• Transgender Youth Equality Foundation
• American Academy of Pediatrics

In some cases, you might be the only person who stands up for your child or family member. “It can be difficult when extended family and others don’t support your loved one’s transition,” Van Fossen says.

His suggestion for warding off hurtful or unsolicited comments? “Say something along the lines of, ‘I’ve done my research and I know people do best when their family shows they’re loved and accepted for who they are. And for that reason, we’re choosing to give them unconditional love and support.’”

This could be a whole new world for you, and it may help to share your concerns with others who understand. Luckily, there are organizations ready to support you.

“Many families have questions and are also concerned about their loved one experiencing harassment and discrimination,” Van Fossen says.

TransFamilies is one organization that offers support to the families and caregivers of transgender children, notes Van Fossen. And if it makes you feel more comfortable, you can participate anonymously in these support groups, which typically meet virtually.

Your transgender child or loved one may have certain medical needs and concerns that other family members don’t. “The first step for families should be finding a medical provider who offers inclusive and affirming services,” Van Fossen says.⁴

If your child or family member already has a provider they like and trust, be honest with the provider about their needs. Here are some questions to ask:

• Do they use inclusive language and respect your loved one’s preferred name and pronouns?
• Does the provider have training or experience in transgender health care?
• What kind of gender affirming care do they offer (like hormone treatments)?

Some good ways to start your search include:

• Talking with other families.
• Searching Outcare’s gender-affirming provider directory by location and keywords.
• Finding a certified transgender provider on the World Professional Association for Transgender Health Provider Directory Search.
• For UnitedHealthcare members, sign in to your member account. Search or browse using the Care categories. Select View all. Then filter by Area of Expertise and select LGBTQ Supportive.

While some people have a strong sense of their gender as young as age 3, Van Fossen explains that others may feel pressure from their family or their community to identify with their gender at birth. For this reason, it may take years for loved ones — and their family members — to come to terms with their true gender identity.

Remember, helping a loved one through gender dysphoria or gender affirming-care when they are ready isn’t always easy. But with the right support and care team, you may be able to help your family member feel truly happy with who they are.